Driving Along In My Automobile...

Yesterday I was on my way to St. Helens with 3 of the 4 kiddos in tow. I was bee bopping away with my local country radio station and suddenly I hear this beautiful song from Alan Jackson:

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why

Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

Tears welled up in my eyes as the rain was crashing down around me. I tried desperately not to cry since I was driving 70 in the rain, and on a time schedule. My mind just kept wandering back to her though. Trying so desperately to remember the sound of her voice and trying to grasp the fact that she's truly, truly gone.

And then I started thinking about how many times she'd sat in the seat I was sitting in (we now have her car, more on that later). I could just see her perfectly manicured nails clutching the steering wheel. The amazing memories we were able to make in that car on our way to Disneyland 2 years ago started flooding through my mind. There are still water bottles in every cup holder. She always had water bottles stuffed EVERYWHERE. Tucked inside the passenger side door pocket where she sat on our way to Disneyland is a lotion bottle from one of the hotels we stayed at on our trip.

I've never lost someone as close to me before. I've lost two grandfathers, but she was only 57. That's so young. So young. There's so much more she was supposed to be a part of. I'm so sad that our kids won't have her around. They need Mee Maw. Who am I kidding... I need Mee Maw. You'd think 4 months later I wouldn't still be breaking into spontaneous tears, but it really isn't getting any easier, unless I try not to think about her. I don't want to forget her though. It's a terrible catch 22.

I know in my head that's really gone, but my heart still can't believe it. On our way to Kent a couple of weeks ago we ended up going a different way than we usually went to avoid traffic. I woke up just in time to cross the street that JoAnn's Fabrics was on. I just started weeping. I have so many memories of her there. She'd take me at ridiculous hours to find great deals. I think she spent more time there than anywhere else! I seriously wonder if they're liable to go out of business without her patronage! I just started thinking about never again having a reason to go there.

Oh man, this whole losing someone you love thing is tough. No wonder you get more cynical as you get older!

*On a side note, Rob's step-dad, Carmin, sold us Janice's car for really a fraction of what it's worth. We were able to purchase it for the price of what we'll get from our van when we sell it. It's an '05 Ford Freestyle with only 28,000 miles on it... talk about an enormously huge blessing!